How to Let Go of the Impulse to Control People & Situations
Do you like knowing that things are getting done in the right way? Do you like keeping track of everything that’s going on around you? Are you full of great ideas about how other people should solve their issues?
Some people enjoy having control over every situation. They feel that they can complete tasks more efficiently than the people around them. In some cases, there’s a grain of truth in that.
But staying in control all the time is exhausting.
After all, you have to process a lot of information all at once. It can distract you from your own goals. Even if you’re naturally good at planning, you will eventually get overwhelmed.
There is another significant downside. Having a controlling streak can do a lot of damage to your social life. You might find that people resent you for your behavior.
The First Step of Your Journey toward Giving Up Control
Controlling behavior can easily become ingrained. It may affect your workplace relations. Additionally, it could creep into your personal life.
So how can you change your habit?
Unsurprisingly, you have to start with self-reflection. Take a good hard look at yourself. This includes the parts you don’t like to think about.
Experts say [1] that the urge to control every situation comes from anxiety. In many cases, this starts in childhood. Precocious children who like taking charge will easily grow into control-obsessed adults.
Anxiety can come from bad life situations or it can be the result of unresolved issues. Either way, it is unpleasant and overwhelming. Looking for coping mechanisms is a natural response.
However, controlling everything does not always help with this issue. It is simply a distraction that stands in the way of true progress.
Understanding Primary and Secondary Control
Wanting to take charge of a situation means you desire primary control. Primary control signifies wanting to change the world around you. It also covers persistence, determination, and ambitiousness.
Being an active participant in the way you live your life is useful in many contexts. But sometimes, primary control isn’t the best solution to a stressful situation. On these occasions, you need to apply secondary control instead.
Secondary control refers to accepting things as they are. It means a willingness to adapt and alter your plans to match new circumstances. Additionally, it means being able to see the bright side in situations that aren’t ideal.
In order to be successful, you need to master both kinds of control. Trying to exert primary control can damage your chances in some situations. Other times, it is a necessary part of changing your life for the better.
A Few Tips That Can Help
Self-improvement can take a while. But it’s never too late to change habits that aren’t useful to you. Here are a few pointers that could help you find the best way to come to terms with your controlling impulses.
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Always Try to Be Realistic
It’s important to assess the situation and judge which type of control is more appropriate.
Primary control can do a lot to assure your financial security or get you through a medical crisis. However, it is useless in the face of natural disasters or certain grand, life-altering events.
So try to assess your situation correctly. Also, maintain a sense of scale. Sometimes, things will seem less crucial when you think them through.
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Imperfections Are a Part of Life
People with control issues also tend to be perfectionists.
In moderation, this is a good trait to have. After all, attention to detail is important and it can save you the trouble of having to fix your own mistakes. However, you can’t always avoid mistakes.
Accepting less-than-perfect results is a form of secondary control. Instead of changing the world around you, you can try changing yourself. Once you embrace the possibility of flaws, you will find it much easier to relinquish control.
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Let Your Approach Change over Time